I used to jokingly call myself a “secret hippy.”
I said that when I was a graduate student finishing my Ph.D., when I was a postdoc at Stanford University, and when I was doing research at New York University; all very “professional” and “successful” sounding places and titles that clearly showed that I am a productive person; someone worthy and valuable and good.
The “hippy” part was my nod to my wild, adventurous, nature-loving, barefoot-dancing side. To be truthful, this is the part of myself that I have always loved most. Me in nature, happy, connected, joyous, present, alive…this is the heart and soul of me.
That is also the me that I kept “secret” so well it almost killed me.
I know that I am not alone. We all have a wild, joyous part of ourselves that we learn to suppress and keep hidden to “succeed.” As we grow up, we are increasingly taught by our parents, our schools, and our societal expectations to sit still, keep quiet, raise our hand only when asked, prioritize academics over nature exploration, grades over joy.
As adults, we learn that “successful” people and “good citizens” obey, get degrees, get jobs, and place productivity over pleasure. We learn that what we want, what we feel, what we yearn for must be sacrificed in favor of what is rational and reasonable.
We learn to discount and dismiss the parts of ourselves that yearn to play with sticks and bugs, jump in puddles, nap in the warm afternoon sun, or go on an adventure without knowing the way.
For a while, we sustain it. We tell ourselves we are doing good, we are “adulting”, we are helping the people, the children, the world, we are making good money, we are making our parents proud. But eventually, our wild nature comes knocking.
For me, it was through back pain, hip pain, stomach issues, and hair loss before I was 30. For others it may be migraines, or panic attacks, burn out, anxiety, or depression. What our minds deny, our bodies know.
After almost a decade of chronic pain and burn-out, I stopped trying to “fix my body” and I started listening. And the truth that was that my body was not broken, or sick, or being an as*hole. My body was trying to get my attention…it was trying to lead me back to myself.
It turns out that the only person I was keeping my "hippy" side hidden from is myself; and it was costing my health and my happiness.
Once I started listening to my body, I realized how much I had been suppressing. Our bodies hold not only our wild and our inner child but also our feelings, our intuition, and all of the trauma and the subconscious conditioning we learned as children to survive.
As we learn to reconnect with our inner world and our sensations, we remember who we really are, reclaim the pieces of ourselves we have tucked away, and begin to live as fully human, and fully ourselves.
Instead of living from the outside in, we can live from the inside out. And our innermost self is where our true power and purpose lie.
Over the last 7 years, I have been studying and living this mind-body connection, both as a psychologist of human development, as an educator, and as a woman who has been slowly but surely coming home to herself.
I have been rediscovering what my body knows, relearning to allow the emotions and sensations that live inside, releasing the stories that live beneath that, and reclaiming the beautiful joy, creativity, power, and play that are the heart of who I am.
I have let myself play in nature again, jump in puddles again, dance barefoot again…and let me tell you, it’s fu*cking magic.
If this resonates with you, or if you are looking to reconnect with some pieces that you've had to stuff away, please join the mailing list, and reach out. I will also be offering group programs soon so if that feels exciting to you, let me know and I'll put you on the wait list.
In the meantime, I am sending you all love and warmth, from my not-so-secret hippy heart to yours.
With warmth and love,
Irena
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