You know that MASH game we used to play as children? The one where we listed the boys we would marry, the kind of house we would have, the number of children?
There was room to switch up the names..the numbers…but we never questioned the categories. Of course I will marry a boy. Of course I will have children.
There are many categories like that; ones we are raised with and that are so ubiquitous that they seem like givens. College, job, marriage, house, children…we are given a map, as we assume it is the only map.
Unless we grow up seeing adults living life differently, we think that this is how life is supposed to flow.
This is all fine and good if that’s indeed how your life flows and it’s what feels good and right. It can be, and is for some, a beautiful, fulfilling path.
The thing that I wish we were told sooner is that it is not the only path. Or the better path. I wish we were told that there are as many paths as there are people, and that often, the most beautiful, the most fulfilling path is the one you carve yourself.
For a long time, I tried to fit in. I didn’t even know I was doing it; I was raised with these categories, and so I had internalized them.
When I looked around and saw other people achieving the things I “should” be achieving, following the path, I wondered why I couldn’t do the same.
Why couldn't I just be happy at that job?
Why couldn’t I just marry that guy?
Why couldn’t I just settle down and be content like everybody else?
For a long time, I suffered, blaming myself, wondering what is wrong with me, wondering why I can’t have this life that everyone else seems to have, and that I too want.
This is what happens when we live from the outside in. The world tells us who are supposed to be, and we blame ourselves for measuring up to standards we never chose.
Eventually, slowly, I began seeing myself in a new light. I had questioned these ideals for a long time, knew intellectually that they weren’t necessarily mine, but they still lived in me. As I began feeling how all of this conditioning actually lives in my body and my psyche, I started releasing standards, and becoming more connected to myself - who actually was, what I wanted and needed, what path is mine to walk.
It is not easy - but oh me oh my, is it worth it.
Reconnecting from myself from the inside out, I began owning parts of myself that had been shamed, suppressed, ostracized. Parts that wanted freedom, parts that had desires no one told me to have, parts that felt alive, and joyous, and wild, and free, and most of all…mine.
These days, many of the categories have disappeared.
Perhaps I will still marry a man one day, but I no longer feel tied to those outcomes (the marriage, nor the man).
Perhaps I will have a child…or, perhaps, I will share my love and nurturing in other ways.
I think it’s pretty clear at this point that as far as jobs and houses go, where I live and what I do for work is going to continue to evolve as I evolve. And what a gift that is.
I share this because there is something powerful that happens when we know that we are not alone is our struggle to fit in, or stand out; by sharing our stories, we help each other carve the paths meant just for us.
What categories are you currently questioning? Where are you giving yourself permission to live outside of norms that you once took for granted? Are there parts of you that seek more freedom to walk in unconventional ways?
One of my favorite things in the world is helping people remember who they really are so they may walk their own path. If I can support you in that, or you’re curious what that might look like, please reach out, it would be my honor and pleasure to connect.
With liberatory, exuberant love,
Irena
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