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I was raised to think that pleasure is selfish. And indecent. And not just sexual pleasure - I mean anything that feels good, joyous, pleasurable, alive.
Nobody told me this outright, but that is definitely the message that I received and absorbed.
Watching other women in my family and the larger society around me, I learned that my worth comes from getting good grades, caring for others, completing our duties and responsibilities, working, being a good mother/sister/daughter/wife/saver of the world.
I never saw women intentionally taking time to rest, to create a space that delights their senses, to adorn themselves, to do something just for the sake of feeling good.
If it's not functional, productive, or directly in service of others, it’s selfish, indecent, and a waste of time.
One of the consequences of abandoning our own pleasure is that we learn to feel guilt and shame around wanting to feel good.
Another consequence is that we lose our internal connection to our own pleasure, aliveness, and joy.
We become bored, frustrated, depressed, stuck, feeling like we are on a hamster wheel of work and responsibilities in a broken world. We draw purpose from our roles and titles and wait for things to get better, for someone to give us permission to take a break, to take us on vacation, to tell us we are pretty, beautiful, desirable, worthy.
We forget that we can source these from within.
This is devastating for many reasons, but one of the main ones is that our connection to our own power, pleasure, and joy is the source of our power and our inner worth. When we are disconnected from our internal pleasure, we do what we think we “should” do; what society told us we have to do to be valuable. But when we nurture our own aliveness, we move from within.
Far from being selfish, our inner pleasure IS the power that give us life force, moves us to become a force for justice, and to show up. In the brilliant words of Audre Lorde in Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power:
“But when we begin to live from within outward, in touch with the power of the erotic within ourselves, and allowing that power to inform and illuminate our actions upon the world around us, then we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense."
I used to think that I only get to feel good once I achieve something, or once everything else is done, or once everyone else is okay. Now, I know that I am always worthy of feeling good, and that pleasure is always available.
Over the last few years, I’ve been shedding old stories and intentionally reconnecting to my sensual pleasure and inner aliveness. AND. Even now, writing this still feels somewhat risky.
The truth is, being an unapologetically pleasure-filled woman is a rebellous, and powerful, act.
If you feel overwhelmed, sick of the hamster wheel, or disconnected from your pleasure, aliveness, and joy, know that you are not alone. Know that it is possible to reconnect, to feel good, and to show up for yourself and for others nourished, powerful, and fully alive.
A quick exerise to try: close your eyes, get still, and bring your awareness to your breath. As you breathe, see you if can connect to a part in your body where you feel pleasure, aliveness, goodness, or absence of pain. Breathe into that place, move as that feeling, getting to know the sensation and expanding it throughout your body. Notice what you feel. Put on some music. Breathe, move, explore.
Let me know how it goes :) And if you want to more deeply explore reconnecting to aliveness, pleasure, and joy in your body, please reach out, it would be my pleasure to connect.
With all the love,
Irena
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