Usually, I speak and write about the roles of societal conditioning, generational trauma, colonialism, capitalism, and the patriarchy in separating us from our bodies.
Today, I recognized that I owe my body an apology too…apology, and gratitude.
Perhaps you might have some (or much) of each for your body too. <3
Dear Body,
I owe you an apology. I am so sorry, dear Body.
I am so sorry for all the times I did not listen.
I am so sorry for all the ways that I kept pushing when you were begging me to stop.
I am sorry for decades of verbal and emotional abuse, of shaming you, hating you for how you looked, how you felt, and what you needed. I am sorry for looking at you and seeing problems and parts to be fixed. I am sorry for calling you fat and ugly. I am sorry for believing others when they did the same.
I am sorry for not honoring your pain. I thought that pain was weakness, you see. I thought that I had to beat you into submission. Starve you into perfection. Shame you into fitting somebody else’s vision. Into permission to exist.
I am sorry for becoming so good at ignoring you that I forgot the sound of your voice. I am sorry for years of choices that placed societal standards over self-love, and appearance over nutrition. I am sorry for years of food and movement being internal prisons instead of sources of wellbeing, connection, and joy.
I am sorry I did not trust you.
I am so sorry for all the pain you’ve carried while I tried so hard to be perfect, forgetting I was human. It is hard to digest food while trying to save the whole world - They put rest & digest together for a reason.
I am sorry I did not know the sound of your NO. I am sorry for the things that I allowed as a consequence.
I am sorry I sit behind this computer for so many hours. I am sorry for working when you want to be dancing or swimming. I am sorry I often forget to stretch.
I am sorry we do not get more massages.
I am so thankful that your wisdom was always just a bit louder than the pain.
I am so thankful that you did not give up on me.
I am so thankful for all of the ways that you move, all the places you take me, all the amazing humans all over the world that I have had the chance to meet thanks to you.
I am so thankful for the chance to experience what it feels like to live in this body, to know that my feelings, thoughts, and desires have texture, energy, and shape, and that I can feel, love, allow, express, and release them. I am so thankful that I now know that they are a gateway to inner peace, pleasure, and aliveness, to which I once had no access.
I am so thankful for the pleasure I experience when smelling a flower, jumping in a puddle, hugging a friend, listening to the birds sing.
I am so thankful for the mountains I’ve climbed, the lakes I have swam in, the dances I’ve danced, the love I’ve given and received, the adventures you and I have shared.
I am so thankful for your guidance. I am so thankful that you know more than my mind knows, that you sense beyond that which makes sense, and that your intuition keeps me moving into new possibilities.
I am so thankful that underneath the conditioning, I now see the beauty of you just as you are. I am thankful for every cell of you, every curve of you, every stretch mark, scar, and wrinkle that remind me that I have lived, and loved, and that I get to live and love another day.
I am thankful for my crooked toes, that remind me that I am my father’s daughter.
I am thankful for my softening belly, that reminds me of the softness of my grandmother’s hugs.
I am thankful for this unruly hair, that announces both my ancestry and my wild soul.
I am thankful that I get to hear you more today than yesterday, that I get the chance to live guided by your wisdom, and that I get the privilege of experiencing it all.
I am thankful to you for loving me, and I am so, so thankful that I have slowly but surely lived into the unshamed spaces that allow me to love you back.
With love and gratitude,
Irena
Comments